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Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Subject:You must go see teh awesome
Time:10:43 am.

I only became aware of this a week ago, but a good photobomb is awesome when you're down and just need some random stupid humor.
This woman is the absolute master of the Photobomb.
Go looky, I insist.
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Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Subject:Christmas Eve
Time:10:31 pm.

Well, it's been almost forever since I last posted. Basically, I'm super-lazy. Also, these days, while I still read other people's stuff here, I'm usually at  faided1.deviantart.com/ when I can be bothered to post anywhere. Also, twitter is good, cause if it's not interesting enough to say in one sentence, it's not worth posting.

Anyway, it's Christmas Eve and my tradition is to sit down and look back on the year (because honestly, who's sober enough to do it on new years?) and take stock of what's gone on.

At least half this year has been swallowed up by a battle with alcoholism. Not mine, someone else’s. But if you've ever had to deal with an alcoholic you'll know how much this can ruin your life as much as theirs. Severe depression reared its ugly black head for them and for the first time I was holding someone else's life together with my bare hands. Which apparently I've gotten kinda good at, since I've been fighting depression tooth and nail for years now. We both made it through the year, and we're getting better. But the effort has taken such energy that I can't be the friend I want to be for others.

Stacked on the kilos this year thanks to both a growing passion for fine dining (Go to SENSO! Oh! And the River in Moruya while you're at it!) and comfort eating to deal with stress. Tried valiantly to develop a gym habit and met a wonderful new trainer but ultimately I hate exercising alone and everyone else I know is lazy too. Also, I love tiramisu. Yum!

GOT A JOB! YAY! Was unable to sustain it, but for a while at least I sold outdoor furniture! It was fun, but anxiety got the better of me in the end. I took a break for a while but I'm applying for things again. I almost got a job as a Burrito Artist (honestly that's what the job said!) but they wanted people for Belconnen, not Woden. Buggar.
Was diagnosed as being Bipolar after it became apparent I was having manic episodes. One involved pantlessness. When I came to my senses I was like "YIKES!" and booked myself into the doctor straight away. They put me on lithium but all it seemed to do was make me pimply and thirsty and shaky, so we decided "buggar that" and dropped it again.

Next year the plan is to win the lotto. While so far I've won twenty odd dollars a couple of times, there's yet to be a million. But I'm hopeful. :)
While I wait for my numbers to be drawn, I'm thinking of learning TESOL (Teach English to Speakers of Other Languages) and going back to
Japan and doing private lessons. If I ever get off my arse and get skinny, I can also get a job as a sexy waitress or something, which I think I'd secretly love. I'm hitting this age where I just want to go out and be exactly who I've been too afraid to be all these years. I want to wear what I want. I want to flaunt my sexuality. I want an audience.

This week I bought a dress. Yes, you heard me, a dress, and KILLER stilettos. I can't even stand in them yet but by God I'm gonna strut up and down my hallway until I get it right.

Last year I said to myself "This year things are going to change" and they did. I fought depression back hard enough to get back in the workforce, if only for a little while. I got myself back on the right path and helped another person do it too. This year I'm going to step it up further. Forget meds and harness the bipolar if I have to. This next year, I'm going to be ME.

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Friday, January 11th, 2008

Subject:Bob the Car and Advu the American
Time:9:08 pm.
Mood: nervous AND excited.

Hello all.
I'm hiding in my room again.
Being social is still a massive challenge and I can only maintain the energy levels for so long before my brain starts telling me that I'm just making things awkward and everyone would be having a lot more fun if I wasn't there. I've been struggling with that a lot lately, but I'm not going to dwell on it.
Instead I'm going to talk about Bob. Bob is my shiny new car! He's an itty bitty white
Toyota Echo, only three years old and all bright and sparkling! There will be pictures posted shortly, hopefully, but all in all I'm so insanely happy with him. I'll be paying him off for another two years, he was a little out of my original planned price range (by about $6000) but he was in crazy good condition and almost brand new (but at half the price of a new car). My Mechanic reckons he's going to be perfect for at the very least ten years, so it's a good investment. :)
The best thing about Bob is that he's sorting out my anxieties. He's so much easier to drive then my parent's car, and so small and nippy and easy to squeeze anywhere that I'm slowly getting the confidence to drive about places on my lonesome. Hurrah for ANYTHING that helps turn off anxiety.
In other exciting news, I got a phone call today from one of my World of Warcraft friends from
America! He spent a billionty dollars trying to call but eventually got through. It was insane to talk to him on an actual phone instead of through online programs. I couldn't believe how different he sounds, but THE most exciting thing about the whole phone call was his announcement that he's officially coming to visit for 3 weeks in August!
Now this is super-awesome, but there is one big question and I'd totally LOVE some help on this if anyone has any to offer- what do you show an American tourist in
We're not going to have heaps of money, which is the biggest problem. If we had a big Budget we could check out the Gold Coast and Uluru (is that how you spell it?) and erm... well, those. As it is, Sydney isn't too far away, so we can show him the bridge and the Opera House, and we have a timeshare at the coast so we can take him down and show him Aussie beaches, but the other concern is that he comes from San Francisco, which basically has bigger bridges and zoos and other big attractions then we have anyway.
One of the suggestions I've been given is to take him out to Tidbinbilla to see wild emus and roos and begin convincing him of the existence of drop-bears, and that sounds good. There must be good old Aussie BBQs and such.
But three weeks is a long time to be in another country for a holiday.
Does anyone have any suggestions for places either in
Canberra or within a day's drive? I'm prepared to stay overnight somewhere if it means we get somewhere interesting. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

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Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

Time:10:40 pm.

I bought a car!!!!

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Friday, December 7th, 2007

Subject:No car for you!
Time:8:24 pm.
Mood: disappointed.

Today we went out to Fyshwik (is that how you spell it?) to take the shiney little car I had my eye on to our mechanic for a check-over. The news was not good. The poor little thing had been in at least two major accidents and hadn't been repaired properly. The list of problems it had was almost as long as my arm and we were advised not to buy it or in fact any other cars of the same make as this particular variety were known to break just because they want to. No good reason, things just stop working.
I was pretty heartbroken, as this was just a wonderful car to drive. I've never been more comfortable in driving a car before in my life, it was perfect for me, but when it comes down to it, it was just faaaaaar too much money to invest in a car that shoddy.
Poor little thing.
So the search goes on. I think it's probably going to be quite a struggle to find a small automatic car that's affordable, in reasonable condition, comfortable to drive AND has enough leg-room to fit James in it. The good news is that the longer I look, the more money I save and the more I can spend on the right car should I find it. To be perfectly honest, if in a few months we've still got nothing, I should have the money to look at getting one new anyway. I'd just rather not since statistically, as a P-plater, it's only a matter of time before I hit something.

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Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

Time:4:07 pm.
Mood: excited.
Yesterday I had more surgery, but it went totally fine this time.
I had a lovely Anaethetist with gorgeous eyes who has thus far been the ONLY anaethetist to knock me out without me noticing. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that he shot me up with the drugs then made me climb onto the operating table, so instead of focusing on what my brain was doing I was focusing on not faceplanting or flashing anyone. Worked wonders, I usually can feel the exact moment I'm about to lose consciousness and usually get a "goodnight" or something out first, but I don't remember if I even managed to lie down before I was out this time. It was wonderful.
I woke up nice and slowly too, and recovered at a really good pace. I had nice nurses and they gave me a very tasty cookie. I was a fantastic shade of pure white for most of the day which was pretty cool too. Freaked the nurses out of course, they kept saying "gosh, you really are pale, let me just check that blood pressure again." so I was pressure checked heaps but it was exactly the same as before I went in.
I was secretly hoping I'd stay that pale so I could dye my hair red and wear funky black make up or something crazy, but alas, I am back to my usual off-white today.
I hope this is coming out okay cause my brain is still bretty scattered I think!
Also today I did more car shopping! I has found an awesome little cheapish car, and we're taking it to a mechanic for a check-over on friday!
Okay, very brain-scattered, will end there.
More on my car later! :D
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Saturday, December 1st, 2007

Time:4:37 pm.

In the past week I have learned some valuable tidbits of information I thought I would share.

1- Never let a suspicious grey lump in your food go uninvestigated. It may just be a huge bug's head, probosicus and all.

2- Never, EVER let a flustered beautician who is in a rush wax your bikini line. This is not the sort of procedure you want rushed and there are certainly side-effects to a bad waxing.

3- It is in fact true that the pushiest car dealers sell the dodgiest cars. You can actually tell how good the cars are (and the price range) without even looking at them simply by the level of practised enthusiasm in a dealer's voice.

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Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

Subject:A setback
Time:11:05 pm.
Mood: anxious.

Oh dear.
Not going so well.
I've been getting so good at keeping the anxiety breakdowns at bay that I've forgotten how terrible they are when they happen. Depression breakdowns are a whole different kettle of fish and those I'm used to, but these are much harder to bear.
It was just too big a day. It began with me taking my first shot at facilitating two plays at stupid o'clock this morning. That went fine, I have a million years worth of watching how these plays are supposed to happen under my belt and know exactly how it's supposed to go. I even managed- very impressively might I add- to pull 20 minutes worth of related activities out of my arse when the teacher in charge decided that even though we'd finished our show, it was still our job to entertain a room full of bored teenagers for the rest of the lesson. Totally unfair, but we managed it. One of our new boss-type people was watching too. Points for me.
So that was an awesome start to the day.
I went shopping next, and actually managed to walk into a trendy shop. Yes, I managed to put my utter terror of being judged on any level by trendy people aside and actually browsed. I have not walked into a trendy store since my original breakdown, so that was good too.
Then I drove my Mum and I home and went to James' house and this is where it all started going screwy.
Driving on my own is turning out to be a pretty damaging experience. I'm fine when someone else is in the car but once I'm on my own I fall to bits. I've noticed I'm actually getting out of the car now with my hands shaking and blotches all over my chest from the stress. For my own health I've banned myself from driving in peak hour, as this all starts happening in even gentle traffic.
So I had to cut my visit with James short because just the anticipation of driving home alone was bringing me to tears. I got home and was incredibly rattled when James called and said I was needed online for a warcraft thing. It was the last straw. I log on but fall to bits and have to log off again almost instantly leaving 9 other people in the lurch, with James promising to explain so I can go curl up somewhere.
Of course, with anxiety levels already through the roof I start freaking that they're all going to hate me and think I'm a freak and everything, but eventually manage to settle my brain with hot chocolate and a cross-stitch of a sheep.
Then a couple of hours later James calls again sounding just as rattled as I was earlier in the night. Some friend from the past has called and managed to stir up all sorts of crap so now he's miserable too and asking himself what the hell he's doing with his life, which always makes me nervous. Last time that seriously happened he went to live in Japan and we all remember the complications arising from that.
He also informed me he wasn't really able to sort things out online and I might have left a wierd impression. All that anxiety bubbles back to the surface.
Oh good. I've just hit something that's made all my windows bars dissapear and I don't know what it is.
I think this might be the computer telling me not to whinge so much- but dammit, it's better to put this all down somewhere then to turn it inwards.

I just feel so silly. Yesterday I was starting to feel like I might actually be getting well enough to handle a job. Today just made me realise that that particular goal is still a fair way off yet. It's hard sometimes, seeing how far I've progressed. So many of the things I've done in the last month- even the last week- I wouldn't even be able to contemplate doing a year ago. I'm making huge steps steps forward all the time, but a full recovery is still so far away.

I know it must get tedious for anyone who actually reads all my posts. I really promise that I'm trying to get better. I really am.

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Monday, November 26th, 2007

Subject:Cars and WAHS! (for wah is the noise you make when you is a Ninja)
Time:9:58 pm.
Mood: Drivey!.


First day of driving myself places! I'm very much a fan. Currently driving on my own sets my anxiety levels off in a pretty crazy way, but driving people around totally rocked. I was even complimented on how good my driving was! Yay!
Having discovered the awesomeness of driving people places, I've also discovered a brand new way in which I can be useful to the arts centre without having to learn lines. I actually had a totally awesome time at rehearsal this week and the wonderful Bronte is covering me so I need not do the horrible show that I was worried I'd have to do. Bronte will be getting chocolates.

Back on the matter of driving, hopefully in the next week or two I'll get the opportunity to go car shopping! I've been saving quite reasonably for a while and yes, while I was planning to do something exciting with the money like leave home or go overseas again, I suspect in the long run having a car is going to be more important. I have pretty much exactly what a small second hand car costs, which should work out perfectly.

Ugh. Might have to keep this short. Had a crazy substitute Taekwon-do instructor tonight who worked us rediculously hard. I had to sit out a bunch and despite me getting more rest then everyone else my glasses were still fogging up with steam rising off me by the end off it. Even the blue and black belts were bright red in the face by the time we were done. Crazy. I almost passed out at the end and I guess the instructor noticed since I got the "seriously, it's okay to sit out. Fainting is bad- It's happened to me and you don't want to do it" talk again. There's this pressure to push yourself there. Endurance- you hear the instructors encouraging it all the time but at the same time they really do seem to care for every student and really know how important looking after yourself is. There's no judgement from them when you need to sit out. It's just a wonderful place to be and I'm really happy that 

the_kaytinator and I got into it.

But it does mean sore muscles and early nights, so I shall end this here and go to bed. Night all!


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Saturday, November 24th, 2007

Subject:Licensy goodness! Also, disorganisation sucks.
Time:3:12 pm.
Mood: Mostly Happy.

I  has a license!
Passed my final exam with flying colours and am now almost totally confident on the road. Yay!
Have to wait till Monday to go get it though but I don't care! I can drive!

In other news, I'm giving consideration to giving up the whole acting thing. Just so utterly sick of having to cram lines last minute (thanks again Trevor) that I can't even look at a script anymore. It's frustrating because I feel I have a lot to offer, I've come a long way with the acting recently I think, but I am just so sick of doing crappy shows. Sometimes it's the quality of the material, sometimes it's the mere TWO or THREE hour and a half long rehearsals I get before I have to do the show, sometimes it's the fact that I only get the final script two weeks or less before I have to do the damned show and sometimes it's the fact that I'm told I actually have to do a show three days before I have to do it.
I just can't live with this level of disorganisation and this level of crap. I'm ashamed to show my face in half the shows we're doing. If we put the time in and actually polished something I'd be happy, or at least resurrected one of the old plays that were actually GOOD, but it's just all shit at the moment and I'm tired of it.

I'm actually really sick today, so I could just be extra grouchy because the LAST thing I want to do today is learn lines, but all my arts centre grouching aside, I'm still totally excited about my license. :)

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Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

Time:12:50 pm.
Mood: bored.

I'm bored and trying to kill time, so I decided to update my LJ.

Things in general are good. I have my final for my license this Friday- HOORAY for finally having a driver’s license. Having the money to finally afford driving lessons is great (thank you centrelink- you took your time and screwed me eight different ways but we got there in the end) and I've decided that next year I'm going to the gold coast for my birthday. 
I'm a big fan of the birthday travel thing. No party, no mess, no dramas, just a week in which I get to go somewhere special. It makes gifts easy- "Just give me money!" and means every year I'm seeing a bit more of the world. Plus, it's going to help me get back in shape! Last time I was up on the gold coast there was this HUGE body pressure thing. Everyone young who actually lives in surfers paradise (where I'll hopefully be staying) appears to have the perfect surf-sculpted tanned god/goddess bodies that you tend to think only happen in movies. Admittedly in another ten years their skin will start sagging and spotting and wrinkling due to sun and surf damage, but that certainly doesn't stop them commenting on how fat or unattractive or whatever you are right now. No kidding. After being abused twice the first night I was there last time I pretty much lived in my apartment, only emerging when coerced with cocktails or theme parks. 
So why am I going back?
Because last time I was there I didn't get to enjoy the theme parks. Totally not my fault, but I only went on three rides when I was there last, and missed out on everything else that was cool. I don't want to go into it but let's just say- if you KNOW you get really motion sick, just damn well stay off the rides and don't push yourself then ruin it for EVERYONE. Gah. I'm still mourning my missing out on
Disney Sea in Tokyo too. I did go on ONE ride... but I was so sick that getting back to the hotel and crawling into a hot bath was a lot more appealing then standing in line for two hours at a time for thirty seconds of crazy rollercoaster. To be fair, those thirty seconds rocked, and would probably be totally worth it if I weren't dying at the time- and maybe had more people to go with. James and I are rarely at a loss for things to talk about but after two hours in a hot underground tunnel, you really run out of things to say. At least and hour of that was spent playing twenty questions, and let me tell you, when you feel like you're dying and the world is swaying left and right around you and you're trapped standing in a muggy underground tunnel playing twenty questions for hours your enthusiasm for the whole adventure starts to wane.

Sooo, this time I plan to be in great health (well, as good as I can get), and great shape, since I have a few good months and its awesome motivation.

Anyway, I've finally found something else to do so I'll quit boring you all with this rambling. :)

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Thursday, November 15th, 2007

Subject:Phase one
Time:12:03 am.
Okay, I'm trying this positivity thing. It's going okay so far.

Tonight I made a total idiot of myself by forgetting my belt for Taekwon-do. Apparently you're not allowed to train if you forget your belt. The instructor was really nice about it and actually went outside to wait for my parents to drop it off and let me go inside to warm up. I managed to warm up and get out again just in time to catch them. I felt like a complete loser but I think I did real well with my training tonight so I'm proud.
As I was leaving the "Oh GOD the instructor thinks I suck and doesn't like me" thing kicked in. God I hate anxiety, but I decided not to dwell and decided to become super-organised with this whole taekwon-do thing from now on.
So, tonight I got online and learned how to correctly tie my belt. I'm very proud. Hooray for positive action.

In other positive action news, over yesterday and today the wonderful Christmas plans I had organised this year fell apart. I was actually looking forward to christmas for once but it turns out I now get to choose between spending time with my father's family, half of whom I CANNOT stand and who actually do their best to make me feel like crap, and my boyfriend's family- who are lovely and I enjoyed the last christmas I spent with them, however this year there's going to be people I've never even met before and they're bringing a baby. I'm sure they're all wonderful people but I have such a hard time keeping the anxiety crazies under control just socialising with people I know, let alone spending the day with people I don't know in a place I'm known to freak out in. It's hard with families, cause they're all close and you feel like an outsider and feeling like an outsider is like poison to my poor brain. The other option is staying home alone. Alone on Christmas. Suckage.
So all this got me thinking about how much I HATE this time of year and how christmas is closely followed by new-years, which I generally spend with my family because I always get too freaked to go out with friends to meet new people, and the thoughts quickly became tears, tears became bad thoughts and pretty soon I was in a real bad place.
But I remembered my goal to start taking positive action and stuff, so I messaged my friend Evan and damn well started to make some new-years plans! They're sketchy, but it's the very first time I've ever taken a social step that big since high-school.
Evan is a God-send. I've still never met the guy in real life, but know friends who have. We met on Warcraft. World of Warcraft is still the biggest thing to happen to my social life, which is kind of sad but also pretty understandable. Anxiety is so much easier to handle when they can't see your face and you have a moment to think over what you say so you don't make an idiot of yourself.
Anyway, understanding that I've never met Evan is important in understanding how big a step actually making plans with him is. Guh, I'm tired. I wanted to explain better but I just can't think straight. I'll explain Evan tomorrow.

I guess all this sounds very silly, me sharing all this random crap, but I think on this mission of positivity actually sitting down and acknowleding to myself when I've made a good move is important. I felt better within minutes of talking to Evan, the bad thoughts slipping away. I felt proud that I can do the silly taekwon-do knot. I plan to learn how to tie ties tomorrow, and as soon as I get my liscence (which should be next week I'm told) I'll finally be able to make some more positive social steps. I'm really going to try. Thanks for your support guys. :)

P.s. it's too late for a spell check.
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Monday, November 12th, 2007

Subject:Farewell Negativity!
Time:10:41 pm.
Mood: optimistic.

Wow. I totally can NOT wait to leave home.
Sometimes I look over things I'm thinking, or things I've written down in the past and I simply have to say ...Damn. I can be soooo negative. I sit and wonder how the hell I wound up in such a state- I used to be a kid who believed in magic and who never cared what anyone thought. I took a little longer then everyone else growing up, it's true. I went through some traumatic stuff because of it. But how on earth did I become so bitter and miserable? Other people get through that stuff okay.
Tonight I was sitting in the lounge and my brother came in. I asked him what was wrong and I seriously wish I hadn't. He's SO negative. Like, worse then me. It kinda made me want to hit my head against a wall; it was so hard to listen to. Recently when my Mum has been talking too I've just been like "Oh GOD can we say something NICE about the world for once?" and I've just tried to exit the room as fast as possible.
It's incredible, the happiness-sucking power of the people I live with. No wonder half of us have depression.
Right now I'm fresh from doing yoga, and I'm feeling all at peace with the world and quite positive. When I actually get outside the house and just do some exercise I'm a nice, happy person, but I know when things get on top of me and I can't eat right and I don't get out of the house for a while I turn into this ball of depressing misery. I've also learned recently that when I'm not coping I niggle. Friends, my boyfriend, I can't control it, it's like horrible little things just slip right out of my mouth. I can't stand it! I don't think badly of these people- they're my friends and my partner and I love them all to bits! It's got to stop! So having realised just how bad people really do sound to the world when they're in that negative state, I'm now going to make an effort to get out, get air, get exercise and damn well be more positive.
I made the first moves the other day- I signed up to a live journal group that's called Happy_news. So far everything I've read on there has been lovely and inspiring. If anyone has any other groups or sites or anything they find really helpful to get them in a good mood I'd love to hear about them. I managed to survive my last major down by force-feeding my brain lolcats for two hours. Lolcats is (are?) great. As is cutelittlekittens.com. Yes, it exists and I don't care what you think because they make me smile!
Anyway, so hopefully exercise, positive thinking and happy input into my head will help keep my brain in shape until such time as I can move out and escape this super-negative environment. I'm also going to see a psychologist. I'm hoping they'll help straighten everything out. :)

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Thursday, November 8th, 2007

Time:12:42 pm.

Finally, the Centrelink story ends. They've finally agreed with my numerous doctors that I am unable to work, and have given me my disability payment. Admittedly, it appears to only be a little bit more then my old payment, but when you can't actually EARN anything, you don't go turning your nose up at ANY money and what's more this one will just get paid straight for the next two years. No more periodic forms and tests and pokings. Just time to recover.
I'm desperately hoping it'll be enough to move out and live on.
Anyway, this is all a very good thing.
In other news, last weekend my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. We spent a couple of peaceful days down the coast where it was too hot to enjoy the spa and too cold to get in the ocean, but was great fun anyway.
That's all for now.

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Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Subject:Newfangled contraptions
Time:9:35 pm.
Mood: excited.
Today I bought my first mobile phone.
It is a shiney Motorola Razr thingy, which I payed far too much for, but after doing hours of research online last night was the only thing with all the bits and bobs I wanted. I think. I'm still checking. But it looks cool and it's the same colour as the little lucky Koi dangle I bought in Japan.
I know, most people buy the phone and pick accessories to match. I'm just a terrible sucker for little dangly things. Japan was my heaven. Phone dangles are not optional there if you are young and female. They appear mandatory. One girl we saw had so many dangles her phone didn't actually fit in a bag. She just carried it. The only way we knew there was a phone in the middle of this huge wad of shinyness, sparkles and fluff was the little tell-tale texting noises that occasionally drifted out of it.
I didn't buy NEARLY enough dangles while I was there. Next time I go I will not be spending money on Kimonos and Parasols (which are then to big to send home) and Sake, I will be buying EVERY DANGLE I SEE.
I can't wait to go back. Tokyo is the most interesting place I've been in my life.
Money is always the issue though... especially so when you're blowing it on a shiney new phone.
I just need one little bitch before I wrap this up. The people at the optus shop in Tuggeranong SUCK. Seriously SUCK. You could use them to clean carpets. They're awful. I go in there and I'm like "Okay, I've never had a mobile before, I need some advice." They give me a pamphlet, then read the pamphlet to me. They don't explain what the hell any of it means. They don't explain the terminology. They use a bunch of buzzwords that I'm sure mean something if you're 21 and have had a mobile since high-school, but mean NOTHING to someone who can count the number of times they've actually HELD a mobile on their fingers. Oh, and as far as making a phone sale goes- no honey. You don't just show someone a display of eight mobiles, say "you can have one of these, but only this one, this one and this one are in stock." and walk off. NO. No sale for you.
I'd done my homework. I'd read my reviews- those phones were shit. They were the only ones in stock for a reason. Gods. Just leaving someone who may have NO KNOWLEDGE of a certain machine in front of a wall of them and not even reccommending anything or explaining features means you really really suck at the whole retail thing.
Anyway, I knew what I wanted and luckily stumbled into it during the course of the rest of my shopping for the day. I payed $50 more then the damn phone was worth, but better the money went anywhere other then to the shittest salespeople in the planet.
I can't believe how upset I was when I left the store. So upset I was having an anxiety attack. I was trying to ask these people things and get advice and they not only didn't know what THEY were doing (which one of them admitted, in fact)- they made me feel like it was my fault. "How dare you come in here an inconvenience us by asking about mobiles in a shop where we sell mobiles?"
Like I said- if I hadn't done my research the night before I'd be lost. I would have been in tears. No wonder old people get grouchy about new technology. If you happen to miss something when it's new, and only get in on it when it's been around for a decade or two, it sucks and you get treated like shit.
So much for a little rant.
All that aside, I do love my shiney new mobile. It's very sexy, very red, very easy to use and looks very good with my little dangly Koi.
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Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Time:9:39 pm.
It was another one of those days, the kind where your subconscious punishes you in your sleep and your normal consciousness leaps right on board with the horribleness when you wake up. The really bad thoughts roll in.
Then out of no-where the ever-wonderful the_kaytinatorand her Mother show up with a gorgeous bear in a bag for me. A charming cuddly fluffy white bear who's informed me that his name is Creagh. I promptly burst into tears.
Thankyou so so soooo much dude. You have no idea how much I needed a bear today.
He's sitting beside me right now being all comforting and looking all concerned. I just love him to bits.
Thankyou. :)
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Friday, October 19th, 2007

Time:8:46 pm.

I feel better.
This is still a harder recovery then I'm used to, and I recieved the anethetist's bill today, which encluded something about a biopsy. I hope that's nothing to worry about. They didn't mention they'd be sending anything off for tests.
But today The Kayt came around for a visit, and brought the super cheesy new Robin Hood with her, which cheered me up no end. Nothing like a bunch of scruffy men in hoods and leather to bring a smile to your face.
Ugh, my temperature is rising again just at the thought. Must go lie down again.
Just thought I'd post to let everyone know things are getting better.

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Thursday, October 18th, 2007

Subject:You probably don't want to read this.
Time:12:05 am.
Please read the title of this post first.

Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuckitty Fuck Fuck.

This was a hard operation. I've had a big week. It's some of the biggest stuff I was able to succesfully cope with since i fel ill all those years ago. I've been sick. The spider bite is still hanging around. The vitamin shot helped, but didn't fix the fact that there's apparently still venom in my veins. I've been living on adrenaline. Not freak-out-having-an-attack nerves, shit scared WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING literally actually faught with shitting myself kind of nerves. I can't physically handle sustained levels of that kind of tension.
I was actually looking forward to this operation as a break. You know, I go in, they poke me with needles, I sleep for a while. I wake up early and recover fromt he anesthetics fast, as I usually do. I get a funny painkiller high for a few hours. People back off, be a bit nicer for a while. I don't have to stress about saying "actually, you know what? I'm a hideous whoos who can't control her emotions so I have to let you down again even in the knowledge that you like me a little less every time I say no to you." I get the nice "Surgery" excuse. Easy, beautiful.

But this was Fucking hard. I'm still yet to find a nice recovery nurse. They don't like it when you wake up early. Then they have to deal with you for longer. They don't like you asking stupid questions like "What's this in my mouth?" when you somehow manage to chew out your stitches before you regain consciousness. They don't like to deal with patients who wake up horrified and gasping because last thing they remember was waking up on the table with some THING in their throat (because you don't rationally go Ah... tube in my throat, relax, it's helping me breathe, you go AGH FUCK THIS HURTS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THE FUCK WHAT DID HE JUST SAY.... WHERE THE FUCK AM I NOW WHERE DID THE PEOPLE GO WHAT WAS IN MY THROAT? WHAT THE FUCK??? AM I LYING IN PISS???  WTF??? DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO RELAX? I'M FUCKING LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD AND PISS AND WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED A MOMENT AGO????)

None of my previous nurses came programmed with human emotions. The count, after today, remains at zero. I see everyone else get lovely nurses. I meet them, they're great. Somehow they just schedual on the mega-bitches when I'm in.
Mine was a seriously Nasty Bitch.
I'm not well. I'm dizzy as sin. Points to the anaethetist for listening when I said "Hey. It wears off quick. I've come awake on tables before. Please monitor me carefully." Though he pumped me up good, apparently.
I feel like shit, so now I can't take anything more powerful then a neurophen or I'll be sick. Bitchface shoved me out the door before she even checked if I could stand.
I got home. I'm upset. James fucking wouldn't agree to come look after me in advance. He offers once it's TOO FUCKING LATE.
I just spent the last... two? three? Hours on the phone having a fucking argument because I'm so fucking doped up I barely know where my nose is. I'm angry. I'm melting down. I warned him.
Eventually we have to leave, he has work tomorrow.
I curl up and cry my eyes out like a little bitch. I bawl so completely I fucking cut myself up because I can't do anything else to ease the pain,  and my damn sobbing rips my stitches. This makes me cry more, because jesus it fucking hurts to rip your stitches.
I couldn't hate more then I do right now.
I Hate me, I hate that this did this, I hate him, I am going to go insane if this heals badly now because the only reason they're slicing the inside of my face open is becuase I never healed properly fromt he first one because I FUCKING DAMAGED IT THE FIRST NIGHT LAST TIME. I could rampage. I could explode. I could murder.
This was supposed to be easy. This was supposed to be my break. This was supposed to stop the pain in my jaw, to give me peace of mind. And it's all happening again, only worse. I'm losing my mind coming off meds and ploughing into some serious pain. I didn't think I'd be this bad again. I am so upset there's no words to accurately describe how I feel.

I'm sorry. It was write this down or act upon the urges. The writing seems to have worked. I'm hurting so fucking much. I want to take pills until it all goes away and this can't happen to me again. I'm bleeding. But at least now I think I can go to bed. At least I can try to be safe until someone wakes up in a few hours.

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Friday, September 28th, 2007

Time:8:07 pm.
Mood: Spidery.
Stupid spiders.
This bite is seriously throwing me around. I've been bug-attacked enough times to know that  if you start feeling real dodgy a day or two after you've been bitten by something you get to the Doctor. It's not the flu.
So now I've got some God-forsaken infection rampaging through me, kindly injected by the lousy little bastard who didn't even stick around long enough to get squashed. I'm on antibiotics but damn. Just damn.
Good news though is that some of my friends from Warcraft are coming to visit! A good friend is coming down from Sydney next month, and hopefully next year a wonderful dude I've known for a couple of years now will be coming all the way from America! Excitement! Yay!
But I shall have to warn him about the spiders.
Because damn.
Stupid spiders. *shakes the fist*
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Wednesday, September 26th, 2007

Time:12:49 pm.
Mood: weird.

So I got bitten AGAIN last night.
God only knows where the little bastard came from. I suspect he dropped out of the aircon vent and went straight onto my shoulder.
I wish I knew how I attracted them. Spring rolls around and all of a sudden the spiders wake up, get that little twinkle in one of their multiple eyes and go in search of.... me.
Pheromones. I tell you.
So anyway, I have a little scratch at what at first felt like a pimple, only kind of itchy. Then, when I have a moment, I look over and BAM, there's this welt. As the night goes on it gets taller- not wider, taller- and redder and pretty soon it starts burning and the shoulder joint starts to ache, soon there's little pains going all down my arm and into my muscles, and then it all starts to fade again. By the time I go to bed it's a little painful lump, and this morning, just a red spot. Though I did have horrible nightmares all night about scarey bug aliens.
Anyway, I'm glad everythings okay, though I am vaguely concerned by the fact that I'm starting to get used to how venom feels.

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